Let me just be clear...

Ok, so I was sitting in church a few hours ago and it occurred to me... that I didn't do God justice in thanking Him for the blessings of my life. I mean, yes, I have said "thank you" many times... but I don't know that I've ever TRULY explained my thoughts on His gifts to us.

When we moved here two years ago, Kimmie (my S-I-L) had cancer. She was pretty far along and we didn't know what would happen. I asked myself not too long after moving here, if she died... would my faith falter? Would I question Him and His ways? After some thought, some prayer and some positive comments from doctors... I KNEW He was God and that He would prevail. Whether or not Kimmie lived didn't change His authority in my life. But it didn't stop me from begging Him to spare her. He allowed her to live and now 3 kids still have their mom and we have a sister/daughter. Whew.

Last year when I got pregnant... one of my best friends had just lost a baby. I didn't live near her in Chicago anymore... I couldn't REALLY be there.. but man I prayed for her like a mad woman. Then...I was preggers. THEN, she was AGAIN. It was fun, it was scary... and then it occurred to me. What if she lost another baby? How would that effect her, would it cause her to stumble in her faith? I didn't think it would... I KNOW her and I KNOW her heart but stuff like this can kill you. BUT, what about ME? What if I lost the baby? Mind you, I hated being pregnant but I did NOT hate my little guy. I started wanting him, or I wanted the idea of him and knew that if I had a miscarriage I would be effected, I would be ruined...for a while. My step-sister lost 2 babies, twins... and it was the most painful moments of her life. Could I have survive? It's weird what your brain does in moments like these.. the bottom line was, if I lost Tristan, it didn't make God any less of the Provider of Life.. it didn't take any of His power away, it just made my life different. What if God took Tristan or Holt today... what if right now was the last breath that either of them took...what then?

Then, there was our house in Chicago... this has been a 2 year nightmare. It has been a burden financially, and it has put tremendous strain on my marriage at times. If my house didn't sell, would I still have faith? Could I still say God provides every NEED in our lives? A few times, I stumbled with this one. The day my perfect credit went down the tubes, the day our buyer walked away AGAIN... even the days that we lost our renters and couldn't find anyone else to rent our house... it was a HUGE burden and I had to question myself over and over. I found out we lost our buyer when I was in the hospital, the day before we were going home with Mr. T... and I remember holding onto Holt with all of my might and crying.. "NOT AGAIN!" and Holt saying to me... "WHATEVER comes of this... God has blessed us and sometimes you just have to live out the consequences of your actions. We will be ok, somehow..." After some MORE crying.... I agreed. I was sad, but I still knew that God loved me more than anything, He was still the Owner of all things but He gave us free will long ago... and the devil reigns over this earth and until He returns... this is how it goes.

So, why do I say all of this today? Because... because I think it is CRUCIAL in times of blessing to be VERY clear that if God didn't do ONE thing for us, not one.... He would be right. He would be fair, he would be just, He would be Holy and Righteous...

See, bad things happen to good people all the time. I was sick last year, I had some crazy stuff going on with my blood and all the doctors could say is "hmmmm, we have no idea what is wrong with your blood" (Gee, thanks!) My friends Lisa and Jenny can't get pregnant and they are SO sad because of it. My friend Joelle is sick EVERY DAY of her life.. and I mean SICK - in the hospital and feeling like she can't make it another day. My friend Abby-Jill died from cancer all over her body and she served God with all she had. One of my best friends is a heroin addict and has been clean but struggles DAILY with making the choice not to use. I have cancer in my family, my dad was robbed recently, and my mom has had to endured heartache that I would never wish on my worst enemy. Oh and did I mention that 4 of my family members have been or are about to be laid off from work? Yeah... THAT sucks.

So I am blessed, I have been blessed in ways too many to number. we are almost out of debt TOTALLY out of debt, I have a very healthy and happy son, I have a phenomenal marriage that I wouldn't trade for the world. I have a great job, great friends and great family. BUT, if all of that faded away...would I be like Job and just take it? Would I still praise God for who He is not what He has done? Would I? Would you? I hope so but I don't know. I don't take that question lightly and I challenge myself with it all the time.

So - my point in all of this is... I have had some VERY painful, VERY hard things in my life and I'm sure you have too. I have had a few things that almost killed me. Are you sad? Lonely? Broke? Scared? Tired? Physically ill? and so on and so on... are you? because I have been there and I may have had it worse or I may not have had it as bad...it's all relative... BUT would I still praise Him regardless. Most of the time YES...but some of the times, if I'm honest and I think back... I wondered where He was. I wondered if He saw me and if He heard my cries. He did... and I know more than I know anything else in my life that He feels our pain, He hates it and He NEVER, EVER leaves us... BUT He will allow it into our life. The Bible says so. Period.

Holt and I have a great responsibility going forward. He has trusted us with "much" now what will we do with it? Watch and see and shame on us if we don't do our life HIS way. Because we have the choice of saying "yes" to what He has called us to OR, He'll go find someone else that is willing and we will have wasted a huge blessing in our lives.

So, let me just be clear... whether He says "Yes", "No" OR "Not Yet" - He is always right, always fair, always just and ALWAYS on the throne! Lord thank you for all of the GREAT in my life and thank you for the pain, and the loneliness and the loss because without it I wouldn't know You the way I know You now. Amen.

It's Sunday... what did you expect? :O)

And the biggest blessing of all!!!

THAT I NEGLECTED TO MENTION....

is Tristan. He is back in action, 100% himself and has normal poops!

You know you are a parent when you rejoice over a "normal" diaper!

he's our happy little guy and is just getting cuter by the day!

More pictures tomorrow as promised.

Thanks for the reminder Dad!

Friday the 13th... WHO SAYS it ain't lucky!?

Well, not much to say other than:

OUR HOUSE IN CHICAGO CLOSED TODAY........

For those of you that know us... you realize this has been TWO LONG YEARS and this is a MIRACLE - WHAT A HUGE BLESSING!!!

No if's, and's or but's... GOD SAVED THE BARBERS!!

Oh AND....

Our nanny confirmed that she can take Tristan the Monday after I head to work... (April 13th - another lucky 13) - HUGE PRAISE because she said initially maybe not until May...

My friend Kristin's baby boy has to have surgery but it appears to be something quite routine and she feels much better about it... AWESOME news because this surgery was pretty darn scary at first....

What a day in Barber History!! Thank you all so much for your prayers, we felt them and they worked!!

We get our PC back tomorrow so more bloggin, more pics.. and MORE FUN!!

Stop the Nightmare-Go-Round, I wanna get off!!

Ugh...... issues with our closing in Chicago. If you are reading this... know that Holt and I are upset, annoyed and doing our best to trust that God has this whole thing figured out.

In a nutshell, we received our closing docs and they were a MESS. First of all they were the docs from the OLD closing that died a while ago, there were no terms, and they wanted us to sign away our life and just "trust" that they had everything on the up and up.

My brilliant husband said, "Um, no thanks.. not taking that risk with my family." So, we wait. We called and they called Citi (Our 1st mortgage) and basically the deal has not REALLY been approved. The 2nd lien holder has approved but not the first (the big one) and the girl from Citi won't call our chickadee back.

So, we have until next Wed. If we don't get this tied up we lose approval from the 2nd mortgage holder and if that happens we lose our buyer.

We are asking that you pray with us that this can be resolved. At this point, if this doesn't happen, I think we would be forced into foreclosure and again, if that is what God has for us, we take FULL responsibility for our choices. We are just hoping that He has a great plan.

I can't turn my head... my rhomboid is once again angry and has taken it out on my neck. So off to see Dr. Mary today... she always fixes me right up, I can't wait.

Please pray for Holt too as a lot of this falls on his shoulders and it's beginning to "weigh" on him. Oh and to make matters worse... someone kicked in the door the other night on our house in Chicago. I'm assuming it will be a good $500 to fix that and we have to fix it at the right TIME or they will just do it again. Apparently our vacant house is attractive to someone.

Ugh. Trying not to get down or upset... just trying to believe that this too will work itself out. It's just hard. I think I'll go stare at Tristan....... he makes all this crap fade in comparison.

Thanks for your prayers........we need 'em!

My baby is sick and my computer is too

ugh.... it's been a YUCKY 6 days. Tristan has had VERY bad diarrhea. I tried to just pass it off as nothing at first but then last Friday night I saw blood in his diaper. YUP, I flipped.

So, I called the pediatrician's office and they wanted to see us right away. So, Saturday, first thing, Holt and I took him in to see Dr. Katz's nurse - she rocks. I love her... and she basically said we were A) Smart to come in (WHEW! I don't feel so crazy) B) that babies can get VERY sick VERY quickly from dehydration and that C) he was OK but need to get on Pedialyte ASAP.

So after checking him out, and saying he was still ok... she just sent us home and I guess I felt better. Tristan weighs 11 lbs. 5 oz but I KNOW he weighed more before this all happened. First of all, he's easier to pick up and secondly, he has 2 chins, not 5 anymore. Just breaks my heart. He had 3 or 4 poopy diapers a day and was up to 9 or 10 and they were NOT lookin' pretty.

So, Pedialyte it was... he took a bottle of it just fine and we've given it to him off and on. It's sad though to see him sick and to KNOW that my little guy is suffering. I have been watchin his soft spot like a hawk.... when they are severely dehydrated, this is VERY sunken and if not taken care of babies can die. ugh. Anyway, his was a tiny sunken but some of that is my own fear, who knows if it's a tiny bit sunken NORMALLY. I just freaked.

The nurse said my maternal instincts were correct and that I did the right thing so again, I feel less insane.

My computer died too. thankfully we found a ROCKSTAR techy to fix it and he's cheap! he took it home with him and has had it since Sunday. I can't post any pics until i get my camera hooked up to my laptop so for now... this is what you get.

I have some thank you's and some Tristan pics to post so we'll be back soon. Thanks for all of you that have prayed for the little guy. it's been scary and I've cried but I know he'll be ok in no time flat!

Lord please heal my nugget!! Oh and if you have a spare moment... we ONCE AGAIN have drama around our house in Chicago. Issues with the closing that if they don't get handled today or tomorrow we COULD lose our closing date,then lost our second mortgage approval and potentially lose these buyers. Oh and to top it off, someone kicked our door in and now we have to pay to have that replaced before the house sells. Lovely. Drama, drama, drama... sheesh.

Anyway, all for now.... gotta go change a poopy diaper... praying for it to appear normal. Fingers crossed!

Jul and baby T over and out!

Taking time...

FOR CHECKIN' OUT MY LITTLE GUYS FEET....

FOR BEING CUTE AND SNUGGLY AT BATH TIME.....

TO MEET NEW FRIENDS...HI MS. SARAH!!

FOR KICKIN' IT AT THE FISH TANK!!



AAAAAAAAAH, WE LOVE OUR BOY!!

Thankfully I'm not superstitious!

Well, it's official, we are closing on our house in Chicago on Friday, March 13th. Yup, you've got it. Both mortgage companies accepted our short sale and it's a done deal.

Only negative is that we owe the Citi Mortgage $10,000. Bummer BUT hey, we made a mistake, so now we need to pay the consequence. Holt and I said, whatever God called us to pay in this, we would. He forgave $260k.... so $10k seems like a ride in the park. $100 a month for 100 months... interest free and no penalty for paying it back early.

For anyone out there that doesn't believe in God... Ha... we showed you!

Celebrate with us......... WE ARE BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE!

The milk-a-holic gets more gifts

Hi, My name is Tristan Holt Barber...and I am a Milk-A-Holic

Aunt Kakie and Uncle Kirk send more gifts!! Clothes and toys and some hangers to boot! Oh and don't forget a sweet praying figurine - can't get by without prayer!!

Then there is a card here from the Taylor's - Antoine, Carol and Ooooolivia! They sent us a GC for Babies-R-Us too and we bought the tub thermometer we've been wanting - thank you!!!

Miss Stacie (Upton) knit Tristan a hat.. in her SPARE time - sheesh - where do you find that spare time AND the talent! WOW! He'll look great in this in NY for Christmas!!

Then Sam and Ruth Ann's friends Sandy and Earl sent us this great little outfit!!

Ms. Kayla (one of the funniest people I have ever met) and little Berkely sent us this awesome hooded towel. You can't see how cool it is but when I give T a bath tomorrow, I will upload a picture. It has a lion and a giraffe on it, it's awesome!!

Then my friends from Bachelor Gulch (where I had a work event) were SO sweet - they sent him gifts! I guess I made a good impression!! There is a sweet little outfit and a little "Bachelor" stuffed dog!

Just a pic of Tristan and Holtie..... T's in big boy clothes (which he RARELY is) - so cute!!

Here is Tristan getting in a little workout............ he's bulkin' up ladies... look out!

Last but not least........ HE STANDS...well, sorta!

Bye!!!

Jennifer and Mattie came to say Hi!!

Jennifer and Mattie are here to meet Mr. Cheeks!

This is me... from the eyes of a 2 year old - Mattie Prescott and her mom Jennifer came to meet Tristan and what fun we had!! Mattie took about 50 pictures and some of them were quite good!!

I was saying "cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese" and then she copied me and SO CUTE!!

This is mama Jennifer... from Mattie's viewpoint of course!

This is me and Jennifer... she took the pic. She was my saving grace when I was preggers... she gave me some fabulous advice (when I asked for it, wink, wink) and she was there to listen when I needed to cry. THANK YOU MY FRIEND... She was also my Secret Sister so I got to shower her with little gifts all year. That was the bestest!!

Love you Jennifer!!! Oh and Mattie...... I'd steal you if I could!!

Beyond words

Well, I've been gone for a while, sorry. I haven't had two seconds to myself and the seconds I have had - that I probably should have taken for ME were spent on laundry, running errands, picking up the house or something else that could have waited. I'm anal, and I know it... but one nap in 2 1/2 weeks is bad and I'm VERY aware of that. I'm paying for it now.

I realized yesterday when Tristan was sleeping... i don't really, REALLY know what his feet look like. I mean, mind you, it's cold and he's in footsie pj's all day long but I'm his mom, i should be able to draw them and I couldn't. I can picture his face and his ears and his fingers and of course those cheeks... but do I really SEE him when I'm with him or is it all a blurr. So many things going on with Holt, our house in Chicago, tax season, my job, my friends, my family... so many things that I have tried and tried to GIVE to and in the process I have given my child less of me than he could have had and I've given me nothing.

I stood over Tristan's crib and once again just gave him over to God. I do not own him, I cannot control him nor do I want to. I need to be an example to him on how to live life and live it well and if he were to really SEE me today, I don't think I would be that example. So, I cried, I hugged him and placed him in his car seat. Yup, car seat. He's been spitting up a lot so I have to keep him propped. It's the only propping he loves so that's what I'm sticking with right now. Not sure how long this will have to last but the guilt is leaving because at least he's getting some decent sleep. So-so on the schedule but I'm sure some of that is my and Holt's fault. who knows. Instincts are kicking in though. I surprise myself sometimes where before I would have fed him now I know if it's a burp or if he just needs to be rocked a little. I'm starting to "get" him and I love it.

It is beyond words how much I love this little man. Daily I love him more than I did, I can't stand to miss one laugh or one coo because I will be back at work soon and I know I will miss a lot of those moments. Hopefully I won't miss any firsts... first crawl, first step, first word but, if I do... it's ok... I'll be ok.

I have more thank you's to go out and more people to blog about and of course more pictures... but I just needed to vent a little. Blogging is greatness because you can just put it out there. It may just be how you feel for a moment or it may be how you have felt your entire life. Who cares.. it's a feeling and when I get them out, I don't have the stress of it being bottled in.

I pulled all the old maternity clothes out of the closet today. I can fit into a couple of pairs of jeans/pants from pre-preggers stage... and I've got about 6 more weeks to get back into my work clothes. The boobs have no chance at all so I better get buying some tops but hopefully I can get running or something. Oh yeah.. that's right - where the heck am I going to find the time.

oh and one last thing.... for all my fabulous friends that are asking me to hang and do stuff. I promise, I won't be this boring forever. Right now, I just want to be home. There is NO better place than my own house, hanging with Tristan and Holt and just being a family. Holt works from home but we don't "get him" until late at night because he's busy so the last thing I want to do is give that time up or share it. So please understand, I will be social once again. Although, for those of you that know me well... I'm such an introvert that I don't go out much anyway. Although in the summer, we LOVE having YOU over... that's what this big backyard is for!! BBQ's and summer fun!

Ok, I'm done rambling now. I miss everyone from work because mentally I love being busy but I don't miss doing something here almost every second of every day. I cannot stand a messy house and all I do is clean, mess it up, clean, mess it up.. hee, hee, hee. But, I'm doing my best to slow down for these next few weeks. Enjoy my baby....memorize his toes. Organize a bit because nothing feels better than a little spring cleaning but I'm gonna try and stop.. and smell he roses.

I love my life beyond words - even the really, really hard parts..........thanks for being a part of it.