Beyond words

Well, I've been gone for a while, sorry. I haven't had two seconds to myself and the seconds I have had - that I probably should have taken for ME were spent on laundry, running errands, picking up the house or something else that could have waited. I'm anal, and I know it... but one nap in 2 1/2 weeks is bad and I'm VERY aware of that. I'm paying for it now.

I realized yesterday when Tristan was sleeping... i don't really, REALLY know what his feet look like. I mean, mind you, it's cold and he's in footsie pj's all day long but I'm his mom, i should be able to draw them and I couldn't. I can picture his face and his ears and his fingers and of course those cheeks... but do I really SEE him when I'm with him or is it all a blurr. So many things going on with Holt, our house in Chicago, tax season, my job, my friends, my family... so many things that I have tried and tried to GIVE to and in the process I have given my child less of me than he could have had and I've given me nothing.

I stood over Tristan's crib and once again just gave him over to God. I do not own him, I cannot control him nor do I want to. I need to be an example to him on how to live life and live it well and if he were to really SEE me today, I don't think I would be that example. So, I cried, I hugged him and placed him in his car seat. Yup, car seat. He's been spitting up a lot so I have to keep him propped. It's the only propping he loves so that's what I'm sticking with right now. Not sure how long this will have to last but the guilt is leaving because at least he's getting some decent sleep. So-so on the schedule but I'm sure some of that is my and Holt's fault. who knows. Instincts are kicking in though. I surprise myself sometimes where before I would have fed him now I know if it's a burp or if he just needs to be rocked a little. I'm starting to "get" him and I love it.

It is beyond words how much I love this little man. Daily I love him more than I did, I can't stand to miss one laugh or one coo because I will be back at work soon and I know I will miss a lot of those moments. Hopefully I won't miss any firsts... first crawl, first step, first word but, if I do... it's ok... I'll be ok.

I have more thank you's to go out and more people to blog about and of course more pictures... but I just needed to vent a little. Blogging is greatness because you can just put it out there. It may just be how you feel for a moment or it may be how you have felt your entire life. Who cares.. it's a feeling and when I get them out, I don't have the stress of it being bottled in.

I pulled all the old maternity clothes out of the closet today. I can fit into a couple of pairs of jeans/pants from pre-preggers stage... and I've got about 6 more weeks to get back into my work clothes. The boobs have no chance at all so I better get buying some tops but hopefully I can get running or something. Oh yeah.. that's right - where the heck am I going to find the time.

oh and one last thing.... for all my fabulous friends that are asking me to hang and do stuff. I promise, I won't be this boring forever. Right now, I just want to be home. There is NO better place than my own house, hanging with Tristan and Holt and just being a family. Holt works from home but we don't "get him" until late at night because he's busy so the last thing I want to do is give that time up or share it. So please understand, I will be social once again. Although, for those of you that know me well... I'm such an introvert that I don't go out much anyway. Although in the summer, we LOVE having YOU over... that's what this big backyard is for!! BBQ's and summer fun!

Ok, I'm done rambling now. I miss everyone from work because mentally I love being busy but I don't miss doing something here almost every second of every day. I cannot stand a messy house and all I do is clean, mess it up, clean, mess it up.. hee, hee, hee. But, I'm doing my best to slow down for these next few weeks. Enjoy my baby....memorize his toes. Organize a bit because nothing feels better than a little spring cleaning but I'm gonna try and stop.. and smell he roses.

I love my life beyond words - even the really, really hard parts..........thanks for being a part of it.