Tristan Holt Barber is here

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Tristan Holt Barber

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

It's all relative....

A very close friend of mine just revealed that she has cancer. Breast cancer. Do you have ANY idea how sick I am of cancer? Her name is Leslie... but I call her Lester... and she is an amazing, strong, beautiful, loving, make no excuses for my life kind of person. If I have every met anyone that could and would beat cancer.. it's her. Oh how I wish I were in Charleston so I could stand with her, hold her hand and hug her when she needed it. She is surrounded by a million friends.... and I know she'll be ok but I'm not there and when stuff like this comes.. it feels SO FAR AWAY.

So compared to what Lester is facing... my "junk" is simple. Or so it may appear to her or to you.. but for me, it's very real and very "alive" - Life IS relative.

While Lester is facing something huge and scary and lift altering... I think we all are. I have a friend that recently said... I am struggling with x, y, z but it's silly compared to what you are facing. I laughed and said I feel the same way all the time... our problems are no less problems because others face something "bigger/more challenging/scarier" - they are still problems but I think by looking at others we do get perspective.

I have been seeing a counselor trying to find balance in my life.. trying to take the edge off and gain some control and in the process I've realized that I need to be on some medication. I'm sure some of my "stuff" comes from the crazy, raging hormones in my body from being pregnant... and coupled with a very stressful job and daily "stuff"... my counselor recommended that I go on "something" for 3 - 6 months.

Now, I have probably 25 friends on something for depression or anxiety... and I have ALWAYS cheered them on. But when it came to me, I was ashamed. I felt like I failed at something. I cried a lot... I mean A LOT because I don't want to have to lean on anything or anyone for that matter. I am strong, I can take care of me, I am in control. Or so I thought.

So, Lexapro ... here I come. I've been on it for 4 days and I don't like it. I feel like I've been eating sand for a month and I have headaches. So, I'll be calling the doc to try another.... I guess I don't know what to expect but I'm afraid it's going to make me...well, less me. I like me. In all my imperfectness (is that a word?) I like me....

My husband has ADHD and takes meds to concentrate and never once have I or will I think that's odd. It's just something he needs to focus and boy does he ever. He busts out some serious work and chores when he pops a pill. I would never judge that or think it's weird.. so why am I so hard on me? Not sure... but I am. I cried the entire way home and finally.. I decided to do it for Tristan. To be the BEST mom, wife, person I can be and if this can help get me back to me... well, then I owe it to my family to try.

Dr. C and I did talk however.. because I told him I felt like being on medication meant that I was crazy or my problems weren't "real" and his exact words to me where: "Julie, if I had what you have right here, right now... I'd need to be medicated to get through it. Hell, I want some meds FOR you... it's not long term.... it's just until some of the "stuff" goes away and YOU are not in control of that" So, in a nutshell, I felt less crazy but still worried. It was only when I called my mom and told her and she (lovingly) agreed that maybe it was good for me... that I needed it. Let me repeat, I am NOT happy about this but I'm not going to sit here and be ashamed either. It is what it is. It's me in my current state.. it's me.

So the cats out of the bag, I've exposed the elephant in the living room and I'm seeing it for what it is. I am not crazy, I am not helpless and I am not on drugs forever. I am doing this for me... for us... for a short time to let me heal a little, to let the broken little pieces in me mend. I am loving myself enough to take care of ME.

It's very hard for me disregard what others need, I suppose it's my co-dependant side. But, I don't want to be this person and put my crap on Tristan or Holt for that matter. I don't want my son to EVER feel like my happiness depends on him because that isn't fair. My happiness depends on ME... and it's not up to anyone else to fix that or choose that... it's up to ME.

So, I'm putting on my big girl panties, taking my meds and I'm gonna go get healthy.

Pray for me.... pray for Lester... we both need it. Our problems are both real, both big... just relative.

xoxo, Jul

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