A lesson for my boy and some stuff on me...

Something I have learned Tristan... is there will be people that don't like you. Looking at your cute, sweet face I can't image but it will happen.

Personally, I hate it. I hate not being liked or approved of.. but it happens. Probably more than I realize actually. So - I've been back in counseling for the last few weeks just trying to find balance and peace in my life and this is one the areas that popped up.

Dr. Chandler says I need to learn not to care. Period. He says, you don't need to make excuses for living your life YOUR WAY. Now, if I were breaking the law, harming Tristan, being unfaithful in my marriage... THOSE I deserve not to be liked but for being ME... well, I'm not apologizing for that. I used to and I'm not anymore. If Holt and I agree on how to live our lives and what to do with out time, that's all that matters.

The last few years have been tough, new life, new city, new jobs, new friends.. throw in a new baby mixed with some hormones and BAM! - STRESS!

So as Dr. C and I processed where I am today... where Holt and I are.. where Tristan fits into it all... he pointed out how CRITICAL it is that Holt and I choose what we want for our lives and not let others influence that decision or make us feel bad for it. SO that's what I'm been processing. It's hard because I am a born people pleaser. I've let life steal my joy and I want it back. I take FULL responsibility for it too.. just for the record. Joy is NOT circumstantial and I can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable every day. Sadly, I have chosen miserable for a while. YUCK.

I have not been the greatest wife lately, I'm exhausted, I'm stressed and I've been sad. I've had a ton of stress at work because I've made a few mistakes and I'm expected to be perfect. For those of you that know me (and even those who don't) I'm sure you can see.. I'M NOT PERFECT. Faaaaaaar from it. So, I'm trying to back off a bit. Not stressing about the socks on the floor and I'm letting things fall through the cracks. It's been hard, but I must say, I can breathe easier. I'm less FREAKED OUT.

Mind, you.. I'm still busy, my t-do list is still a mile long. There is so much to do for work, for the house, for Holt, for Tristan.... and trying to squeeze in a few moments for me. Watching TV is a luxury that (sadly) I miss... but I force myself to just sit and do nothing a few days a week and I'm in bed (usually) by 10pm. I swear, I'm asleep before I hit the pillow! Thankfully I have a husband who supports me even when I'm crazy. I love him for so many reasons but for that ... and for the grace he extends.. I really, REALLY love him.

Holt and I have discussed moving. We're on a two year plan and I'm hoping and praying I can make it that long. I love the east coast and I miss it. Hopefully we can find work and life in Charlotte or somewhere close. We want to be by the mountains, by the ocean and by lakes AND we want Tristan to be somewhere with culture... NOT in the suburbs of Dallas. It's nice here but not where we believe we should raise our son. I don't think I can live in Charleston again but I've had a very good job offer - the timing just isn't right. We have to be fully out of debt and THEN... we can go. Well, if HE says yes....

I get impatient with God because He doesn't move in my timing but I'm trying to remember that He knows best. I do like to tell Him what I think though and I chuckle every time thinking "You knew I was gonna say that God" and then I just move on as he "pats" my impatient head and carries on with His plans!

My job, well, that's another story... I HAVE to work. But, I don't HAVE to take being treated the way I'm treated sometimes. I'm very good at my job but again, I have my moments. So, we'll see what I'm going to do about that. Maybe God will present another opportunity or, maybe.. I flourish where I'm "planted".. for now. :)

So Tristan, I started this out for you.. and I'm gonna end it that way: few of mommy's new favorite quotes:

I would rather be loathed for who I am than be loved for who I am not. And I mean that.. be true to YOU and if people don't like it.. find other PEOPLE to be around.

These came in an email yesterday... and I loved it....
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Mommy loves you Bubba........BE YOU!