I was just reading my friend Kristin's blog... I love Durby. I love her pictures, notes, laughs, I love her fabulously fun blog and I love her honesty. Honesty is so important. The thing about it though... is... sometimes, it's hard - it's a tough nut to swallow. While I struggle with WHAT I should and shouldn't put on here... I've decided that Tristan will know the good and the bad. I'll be leather binding these pages for him once the year mark hits so he can see his crazy mommy's world... including him... and some day, he'll get a better perspective of who I am. Good... and bad.
Life has been quite the struggle lately. Surprisingly, Tristan has been the easy part. He sleeps 12 - 13 hours straight, he's eating well, he's a ball of laughs and our lives are the better because of him. He is loved by so many and he has truly been the ONE thing that on certain days, made me get up.
Holt and I went back and forth as to whether I was struggling with depression. It's not the easiest thing to diagnose. As I noted before, I tried meds and they sucked out loud... so then I tried the gym. It worked MIRACLES!! I know that about myself and I know that about staying physically fit, it is KEY to happiness. I couldn't afford my gym membership and a friend at work shocked me and paid for my membership for 6 months. I won't say who... but I will just say that it ABSOLUTELY changed the life of my family because while I am not THINNER... YET... I am much, much happier. I am a nicer version of me.
I sent an email to my core group of girls that love me unconditionally, that know me the best - the ones I TRULY allow to speak truth into my life. I gave them the skinny on a really bad fight that Holt and I had... and they loved me enough to hear me, to call me out on my behavior and to challenge me going forward. Heck, Audra and I had breakfast and she got right in my grill and asked when I was making time to get my nose in the Bible. Ar, she and Pic spent a few days praying and sent me a letter reminding me that some of the old "stuff" that I had hope was long gone...actually wasn't and reminded me of what they know to be true of me as well - it was awesome. There were many, many more.. including my mom - God bless her I beat the proverbial "dead horse" over and over with her. I love you Mommy!!
My heart is heavy for my Auntie T and for Lester struggling with cancer. My friend Deb's heart is broken and I'm angry FOR her. My friend "A" is longing for her life partner and I think she's ready and so PATIENTLY waiting but COME ON GOD! Sheesh! Holt is working his butt off in real estate and the market is better... but seriously - come on!! My sis and bro could be out of a job any day now and that is just down right scary. Our good friends are possibly getting a divorce and another set is just in a complete mess - pain, pain, PAIN and I know it's life but I'm sick of it. Sick of it. The co-dependant side of me wants to fix it all but I know better. I know what I need.
Balance.
So now I am just doing my best to FIND balance. But it takes effort not to let yourself get overwhelmed with others burdens. Holt and I are doing great, we are able to talk about the hard stuff and sometimes we agree and others, well, we just agree to disagree. I think things are safer in our marriage. I don't think he's walking around on eggshells with me (as much) and I'm hoping that he can see how much I love him not only because of my words but because of my actions. Both are vital in a marriage and it's easy to SAY I love you and then your actions say otherwise. I don't want to be that wife.
Having a baby changes everything. People can tell you that until you are blue in the face but until you are THERE.... you have no idea. Not just the physical, or the raging hormones... your entire WORLD changes. And quite frankly, I think for the better.
I can no longer just do as I please. I have to be home by 6:30 or 7pm ...well, I don't HAVE to but I WANT TO. I want to feed and bathe and play with my little guy and then put him in his crib after I pray with him. I don't want to miss a moment of his life...well, more than I already have. I have a few friends that don't get this but they are stay at home moms and see their kid(s) all the time. I see him 30 minutes in the morning and then for about an hour at night and I miss him. I miss him terribly. Last night I sat at his crib and cried because I went 2 days of not getting much time with him and I missed him. My heart was sad.
So, for today, I am seeking balance. Holt and I need to do stuff for us too and I realize that. I am "coming around the corner" and know that it's not healthy to be 100% focused on Tristan but cut me some slack, I'm a first time, still relatively "new" mom. We have about 20 people begging to babysit and I need to take some of them up on it. I hate that Tristan isn't in his own bed but he'll get used to a pack and play. Sleepovers... yeah, no offense anyone but that ain't happening for a while. Judge me however you'd like to but giving him up for a few hours at night is fine but not seeing his sweet cheeks first thing in the morning? I'll pass...
I will say though... it really, really hurts my feelings when people's comments are "you never DO anything anymore", I never see you, you're no fun", blah, blah, blah. Whether you know it or not... I'm a full time mom, full time assistant to two VERY demanding men, a full time wife and in my spare time, I'm trying to lose 20 pounds. I have a ton of friends that I am SO blessed to have but try SO hard to pray for and stay in touch with. I am serving at church, trying to do my Bible study and spend some much needed time walking and training my dogs. So while my life doesn't look very "FUN" to YOU.... it's FUN for ME. People really should be more careful with their words, myself included.
I'm looking forward to heading to Charleston next month. Holt and I know our next "chapter" is beginning......... we're hoping this trip provides the "where".
Thanks for those of you that love me for being ME and not asking me to be someone I'm not. Because, for the record, I'm pretty sure this is the ME that's staying. Thank God Holt loves "her"!!!
Whew...I feel better now.
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Mommyhood is a constant struggle. You only get a few precious hours with your kids in a day. Then they get older and you have to share that time with school open houses or soccer practice or whatever. THEN, I hear, they get even older and want nothing to do with you. :/
ReplyDelete:) I understand your plight. Enjoy your family. Your friends should understand. I'm sure no one meant to hurt you. They were just expressing that they miss you.
I feel your pain. I have been avoiding going back to work anywhere near Uptown or Downtown. But, looks like I can't be that selective anymore. I HATED leaving at 6:30am only to get home at 6:30pm. That leave me an hour with the baby and an hour and a half with Trenton. And somehow, I'm supposed to bathe and feed them in that time. Where's the quality time?!
:( I heart you. Just know that. If you ever need a sitter, let me know. I'll stay at your house with Mr. T so you and Holt can go to Bible study or dinner or whatever. Don't be afraid to ask. I'd ask you. :)