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Monday, July 6, 2009

Like a wave coming in...and out...and back in...

As most of you know, Holt and I moved here two years ago to help my sister-in-law fight cancer. It was something that I'd experienced step-father had it and had it bad... until one day it took his life. Bob was a smoker though.... it (kind of) made sense. My sister-in-law has 3 kids - relatively "little" ...ok, young... so it didn't make sense. Over two years has passed and cancer kind of became a bit of a memory.

There was cancer .... in ... and out....

Well, that is ... until a few weeks ago when my friend Leslie found out she had breast cancer.

...and back in it came.....cancer.

Leslie has been fighting with her head high and she's been kickin' it's butt. There are sad days like today, where in her blog you can FEEL what she is experiencing and it is horrible. Heartbreaking... so sad. But, there is still hope in the midst of it. Light at the end of the tunnel..a silver lining in a dark cloud. I am standing in the gap for her when she can't. Many a spiritual war has been one FOR us... when we can stand but our loved ones lift us up - pray for us.... walk with us. That's me. I'm here 100% for her and I know she knows it.

Leslie has made me REALLY take a look at my life. I was just sitting playing with Tristan tonight and I was doing something else while he was on the floor and I caught myself and reminded myself that THESE are the moments that I need to cherish. I'll never have THIS moment again, kids grow up and leave and begin their own lives all too fast. Leslie reminded me to stop, to REALLY stop and absorb today. She is feeling the pain of not being able to hold her baby the way she wants to and I cannot imagine. I am ABLE and I need to do it because I want to and because I can. So, I did.

I was thinking about Leslie and how right now her life is like waves crashing on the beach. There is something very destructive about water... but in the process of it... there is life. She is being pounded on all sides, but God is restoring her. She is becoming whole ... again.

So Tuesday marked her surgery... she was technically...cancer free.

Waves... back out. Thank you Lord!!

But then the next day.......... I found out that my Aunt Trisha, a second mom to me in many ways...she too has breast cancer. That one felt like a hurricane. Not again... please Lord, not again.

Cancer.......... again.

Seriously? Yup. After talking to my Auntie T, I realized that she was just going at this full force just like Leslie. She saw it for what it was and is dealing with it. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

My Aunt is hopefully stage 1 or stage 2 -again - amazing news but quite frankly, I'd rather hear, she's fine...we read everything wrong... no surgery, no chemo, no sickness. But, what I want and what is reality are two very different things.

My Aunt is that person that I admired so much when I was little, when I was a teen..heck, even now. She's the person who taught me how to stand for pictures, I wanted a briefcase because of her and I believe my career.... well, I owe it to her - I'm kind of a mini-Trish!

She is strong and funny and smart and beautiful and I love her. I am sad and angry and emotional that this is happening and I'm so far away. I want to pack up my bags and head to Charleston, pick up Leslie and go move to my Aunt's house and take care of everyone. I want this fixed... I want LOW TIDE.

...and it's coming. It may not be tomorrow that my Aunt is ok, but it will be soon. She is strong, she is Italian, she is a Cimildora and SHE WILL BE OK. Somehow that makes me feel better... but still... I want more.

Waves bring in shells that decorate the sand. They makes pretty patterns and the sound that the waves make crashing... it can be scary but quite frankly there is nothing more beautiful. So while the waves are coming and they are coming hard... they are retreating... they are leaving something beautiful. They are changing and if you look hard enough you can see that what came in as forceful and destructive... God used to leave something beautiful.

Lester, Auntie T.... I know you will both be ok. I know you will come out of this stronger and more wonderful than you are. But I also want you to know that my heart breaks that you have to face any of this and if it could only be different...... if only.

I think I'll choose to close my eyes, to accept where life is for today and to wait for the beauty on the other side. The beauty is YOU............ whole........... again.

Whatever you need, I am here. Always. xoxoxo

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness. The "C" word is a scary word. I can't think of another word that holds the power of fear and sadness over so many people.

    The ride may be a long and crazy one. But if your aunt is anything like you, she has the fight in her to battle this.

    I'll being praying for her and the family.