I decided for Mother's Day, that I would write a letter to my son. I realize he is young, far too young to read or understand the words I am writing so I guess, in a way, I am doing this for me.
Tristan, you are the greatest thing I have ever done. You have completed a place in me that I never knew existed. Just like God, your Daddy, my family and friends... they all have spots but YOU... well, YOU filled one that I wasn't aware of.
You make me want to be a better person, you make me STRIVE to be happy and content with what I have because now, I have all I could have ever asked for. My sweet little guy, the joy you bring to my life you will never understand. Well, someday when you have kids of your own, you will...but until then, you will have to believe me, just as I had to believe my mom.
Last night you woke up at 2:40am and I heard you crying. As usual, I immediately popped out of bed and came to you because this is very out of character for my little - "I sleep 10 hours in a row" guy - sure enough, you were hungry. So I fed you and rocked you and you did your new little "move" on me... head, promptly rested on my shoulder and you slept. Oh how my heart melted. I could feel and hear you breathe and in that moment, it was just me and you...rocking..... I was all you needed and my heart was full. It's VERY, VERY hard for me to put you down. So, we rocked a little more. It's my secret obsession!
Then, at 5am on my very first Mother's Day... you cried again. Yes, I was tired but hey, I didn't care. So I got up and you just wanted to play. I had better ideas... we snuggled and fell asleep again. These are the moments that I never thought I would miss but I know I will. I know there will be a day that you won't want to snuggle anymore. You won't want my kisses and you'll ask me to drop you around the block so no one can see me hug and kiss you goodbye. But, it's part of the deal and I get it. From the moment you were born, truthfully, I began to raise you to leave me. I'm ok with that, it's natural. It's my job to teach you independence to teach you right from wrong and to teach you to honor God and your family. It's my job to introduce you to new foods, new experiences, other cultures and other ways of life. It's my job to show you Jesus and where I fail Him as well so you see that only He was perfect. It's my job to bring LIFE to you and it is YOUR job to choose. I pray you choose well.
Tristan, I am so imperfect. I am so broken and full of faults. I will let you down, I will hurt you and I will do things that you don't understand but I will NEVER, EVER love you less. As a matter of fact, my heart grows in love for you every day and I'm astonished at how... because I honestly think there is no more room. Mommy is very imperfect but I hope you can love me anyway. *GRIN*
I promise to love your Daddy and work on our marriage always. There are far too many kids in the world that live with divorce, I was one of them. I am one of them but I will NOT be one of them again. I married your daddy for better or for worse. Some days are far better and some days stink and we don't like each other BUT we always, always love each other. You daddy and I are committed to raising you the best that we can and we hope that you can forgive us for where we fail. We will surround you with family and friends so you never feel alone, no matter where we are or where you are - you will only be a drive a phone call, a plane ride, a continent away..never too far for me to find you.
For the rest of your life I will worry a little, (ok, a lot), I will want for you, I will cry for you and I will be your biggest cheerleader. I will push you to try your best at everything and I will always tell you to finish well and leave this world better than you found it. Daddy and I will try and raise you to be honest, forgiving, kind, loving, patient and humble. We will try and teach you the lessons we learned but ultimately, it will be up to you to decide what path you will take.
You just "called" me back into your room for the 3rd time in an hour. So unlike you and so funny that it's when I am writing this. I don't know if you are catching a cold (I sure hope not) or if it's just that last night's sleep schedule is so messed up that you feel like me... kind of in a trance today. Either way, I love that you need me and I love that when I pick you up, everything - well, most things - are ok again.
January 14, 2009 marked a day in my life that forever changed my future. I am thankful for every bit of you that is present and that is to come. You are my little nugget, my sweet angel baby and you have given me more joy in the last 4 months than you can ever imagine.
I look forward to watching you grow and change into the man that I know God created you to be. Thank You God that I can celebrate this day and that you have given me the man...and the little man of my dreams. Holt and Tristan are more than I could have ever asked for.
Happy Mother's Day to me......... I am blessed. Here's to many, many more! *CHEERS*
Happy Mother's Day to my mom as well.......... I know what a terror I was and I'm thankful that you put up with me long enough for us to be the friends we are today. And to my Grandma... that is high above with Christ... thank YOU for raising my mom the way you did........ we miss you and I know today a little piece of my mom's heart longs for you to hug her and tell her how much you love her and were proud to be her mommy. I know you miss Grandma, and Mom..... I know she lives in your heart and lives on in all of us. I love you, Happy Mother's Day....