Should I cry over spilled milk? Hmmmm

Well, that picture is the happiest I have seen my child in 2 days. Bubba couldn't go to the Nanny today sooooooo, he's working with Daddy!! My poor little guy got his 4 month shots yesterday and he's been SO fussy. Tristan has been running a fever for a day now and I blame those stupid shots (that could potentially save his life) so I guess I should be thankful a fever is all he's got!

Last night I rocked him for over an hour and he cried and cried and cried...it was horrible! He had tears streaming down his face and he was inconsolable. He did the hard cry, then the "I can't breathe or calm down" huff the entire time. My heart was broken. I know, I know... I ain't seen nothin' yet. Ugh. So sad. I just hugged him and kissed him and sang him to sleep.

Here's the overall scoop on Mr. T:

Weight: 14 lbs 1.2 oz - 50th percentile
Height: 25 1/4 - 75th percentile
Head: 42 1/2 - 50-75th percentile

Good news... overall he is doing great BUT, he's not getting enough calories or gaining enough weight. So, we are to start introducing cereal and fruit/veggies..whatever we want basically as long as it's pureed. This ought to make for some interesting photo ops!!

Bad news is... my breast milk isn't offering quite enough calories AND I have to toss all my Jan/Feb/March milk because if it's not stored in a DEEP freezer...it's no good! DAMN!

This is the portion I had at home.. there's more to be tossed at my in-laws house. What a bummer.




So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to (slowly) stop breastfeeding over the next month. Well, pumping at this point... but hey, that's just terminology. I have done what I can for my little guy and this pumping 6 times a day has taken it's toll on me. I'm exhausted and quite frankly I can't eat ANYTHING so it's causing a ton of anxiety and hunger pains! I'll be done by the time we head off to see John and Ginger in Kentucky.

The milk that I have frozen will be fed to him twice a day with formula and then formula for the other 2 feedings. So, basically, he will get 5 months from me and the rest from formula. As I said... hopefully, this is enough for him health wise.

Plus, I have blocked ducts again that are causing me a ton of pain. I'm supposed to pump every couple of hours and that just isn't possible at work so they aren't clearing up very quickly and this could land me in the hospital with mastitis if I'm not careful. Lovely....

So, I'll slowly start my body's decent back to normal. I'm sad, I guess knowing that he's on his own from here on out... knowing that this will be the last time in my life that I ever do this.. and HOPING and PRAYING that what I have done for him is enough. I hope he doesn't have asthma or allergies but I know breastfeeding still is no guarantee. I guess in some respect, all endings are sad... this is just another one. On a high note... I'll have some normalcy back to my body (I think), some "spare time" and maybe now I will have 20 minutes to run! One thing off the list... one thing on. :)

I am off for my annual visit to the doctor. I'm a little worried physically because of my stress level. I know it's bad and I think it's effecting my weight loss and my sleep patterns. I'm back at counseling and also eating very well so that coupled with my HOPEFUL running that I'm trying to squeeze in will help.

Work is good, it's just very, very stressful. I NEED to be a perfectionist but then I NEED to turn that off when I go home and I'm having a hard time doing that. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I know that's not true. It's just what it FEELS like. Gotta just let it go and I promise, I'm trying.


My best friend Tracy sent me a Mom's Day card too... so sweet. Love you Pookie and Happy Almost Your Birthday!! Old Fart!

Ok, that's all I have for now... I'll send more pics when we start feeding the little guy cereal. Maybe I'll get lucky and his fever will drop tonight - and once Daddy gets home from work- we can spend some HAPPY time together. It'll be nice to see the nugget smile again. I miss that grin!