Well, my life group is having a Seder meal together. Holt and I have never experienced this before and were looking forward to learning and having this time with our friends. Here's some info if you are interested: http://www.cresourcei.org/haggadah.html
Well, today also happened to be my first day back at work. It was fun to talk about him and be missed. I had a big sign from EE on my desk with a sunflower saying WELCOME BACK... I'll take a picture because it's VERY cute! She also gave me a red wagon for Tristan and I LOVE it... she has self proclaimed that she's his God-mama and by golly, he's gonna know it! SO SWEET! Thank you also to all of my friends that prayed me through today, I would NOT have made it without you!!
So, I decided that for ME, I needed to be home tonight and get 45 minutes with Tristan. Selfishly, I pushed it to an hour and made my boy cranky but I had to just kiss and hold my little guy and let streams of tears roll down my cheeks. My gosh how I missed him.
I drove home like a madwoman, (which I know needs to stop)... but I couldn't wait to see my little guy. As I held him, I had a tiny glimpse of what God did for me. For all of us actually but in that very moment, I realized I FELT something I have never felt before.
John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Oh my gosh..........GOD ... in knowing all that He knew... knowing EVERY choice that would be made... He created a child that He loved like I love Tristan (probably more...which I cannot even fathom) and He GAVE... He let His Son DIE...........for me. I stared at Tristan and just couldn't imagine doing that. Couldn't imagine allowing him to suffer, allowing him to be mocked and ridiculed and KILLED just so that YOU... so that I could be saved. So that I could go to heaven. My heart literally sank in my chest and I held onto Tristan as long and as hard as I could and I wept.
Yes, I cried because I'm tired, it's my first day back at work, blah, blah, blah..but I cried because my heart felt a love and a respect for God... and Jesus... that I don't know that I had before. I just sit here praying that the Holy Spirit continues to teach me what a gift that He is. I don't care if I sound preachy... I don't think this is a coincidence that today is the day my life group is having the Seder and I miss it... God STILL found a way to help me FEEL Easter.
Holt said that from now on our family is going to do a Seder meal and we are going to make this a tradition. Because I missed, I don't know what that means or looks like but I want ever part of it. I want to FEEL this weekend and know as much as I can and understand as much as I can because God did something SO unfathomable to me and I need to be thankful.
Tristan is such a gift in my life but I wouldn't want to do this with anyone other than Holt. I came home to a clean house, all the bottles and parts that have to be cleaned...clean. He made this check-list and lists are hard for Holt.. he hates them. So I know with all of my being that my husband KNEW what I needed and he spent his day making Tristan and I happy. He also sent me a video of he and Tristan playing to make me not feel so far away at work. WHO DOES THAT? My husband, that's who!! Read it and weep ladies, he's taken and I'm not sharing!
There are days that I don't appreciate you Holt and I'm sorry. There are days that I see what you HAVEN'T done and neglect to praise you for what you have. I'm ashamed of that and I want the world to know it. THANK YOU FOR TODAY. I felt secure and went to work and was happy. You cared for and loved on the nugget all day and I know I don't need to thank you, he's your son too, but sometimes it's just nice that someone noticed. I noticed and I love you for it.
I am committing to myself ... to my family and to God to keep my focus on the blessings in my life. My breaks at work to pump are a BLESSING...it's 15 minutes for me to stop, slow down, pray... my hectic schedule is a BLESSING because I have a son that fills in the extra moments, the shoes that Holt may have left on the floor are a BLESSING because it means I have a husband...The commute that I have is a BLESSING because it means I have a job....The piles of laundry that need to be done are a BLESSING it means I have clothes - I could go on and on and on... and quite frankly that's what I need to learn to do. It's all about perspective.
So now, I'm gonna go clean bottles, get stuff ready for tomorrow and I'm going to love on my husband when he gets home. I'm going to go stare at the baby monitor and adore the baby that God has blessed us with and most importantly I am going to thank God for GIVING us Christ... His one and only Son to make ME free from sin and giving me eternity.
I am sad I missed this time with my life group but I am thankful that God still met me where I was at and helped me to see that Easter isn't about the bunny, it's about the blessings and the true gift of Christ. Suddenly all those crosses on the wall... they have a whole lot of meaning back.
Thank you Lord!!
I hope that Good Friday and Easter resonate with us all. Amen.